 |
| Photo by Richard R. Barron, copyright 2017, all rights reserved |
Your love was like
mist around a mountain
in the early morning light
lovely to behold but long gone
before the onset of the night
Tuesday, December 03, 2019
Mountain Mist
Your love was like
mist around a mountain
in the early morning light
lovely to behold but long gone
before the onset of the night
Imaginary Men
As a father, and as an American male, there are certain avenues of behavior that are closed off to me. All men in this culture are expected to be strong, decisive, and brave. Excessive displays of emotion are considered taboo, and male-male relationships are expected to be masculine in nature: no crying, no whining, no real discussion of emotion. We are expected to be aggressive, determined, and assertive in every arena of life. We are required to act as if we know what we are doing, even when we very much do not. Our children must never know that we have fears; our lovers, partners and wives should never know how vulnerable we really are to their whims. We are taught to believe that we are in charge of our own lives, and that we chart our own destinies. We are the masters of our own souls.
All of it is rubbish. The men I know are every bit as emotionally fragile as any other human. Some are just much more adept and skilled at hiding that fragility. Others actually come to believe the legends they create for themselves. Self-sewn myths about their own prodigious skills, propensities, and physical attractiveness. I have known men like that, guys who are are quite successful with the belief that they are self-made men. It is a life orientation that can work, at least to a point. I have personally witnessed how, at the end of their careers, and toward the end of their lives, men like this come to the sober understanding that the things they ignored -- their children, their health, their families, their friends -- were the only things that really mattered. I have seen men who, at the height of their success and power, are lonely, bitter, frustrated and completely lost human beings. It is as if, all at once, the false gold they had pursued is suddenly revealed for what it is; the ephemera of success, prestige, domination, and wealth, all come to mean nothing unless they are spent entirely in the service of others. Suddenly these men begin to understand the sacrifice that others have made in order to be in relationship with them; they remember, often with shame and guilt, the harsh and selfish ways in which they have frequently behaved. They find themselves wondering how in the hell anyone could ever stay in a relationship with them.
Of course, American men will seldom ever speak with each other about such realities and truths. There is no need to, really. There is an unspoken understanding among men that we are each involved in our individual masculine journeys. We are each the hero of our own real life heroic adventure. It is a solitary journey, one which we must traverse mostly alone. In our own perceptions, we daily do battle against the injustices and inequities that we encounter in everyday life. We walk in perpetual awareness, mentally preparing ourselves for that fateful moment when we are called into physical struggle to protect the ones we love. We spin hero fantasies in our minds eye, where we take out the bad guy, and rescue the hostages, or save our loved ones from terror and harm. Any man who has ever actually faced those situations knows how terrifying they are, and how instinctive your behaviors become. Only with repeated exposure does one build the courage to stand bravely like the movie heroes we believe ourselves to be. I have seen men panic, cry and run from danger. I have seen big strong men faint dead away at the site of blood, or upon seeing a mangled body in a fatality car accident. As the strong, reliable, soldier types we imagine ourselves to be, we should be immune to the brutality that we sometimes encounter in life. We should be unmoved and unshaken when we see the gruesomeness of violence and war. We imagine ourselves willing to stand in the breach until our very last breath, in order to protect our loved ones, our community and our nation.
In this way, we are all imaginary men. We are not as brave, as capable, as we imagine ourselves to be.
At the same time, there is immeasurable depth, unrealized courage and untapped strength in each of us. When called into action, most of us will respond admirably and bravely. It is in those moments that the reality of ourselves as men can be known. Likewise, we can find those true men of strength in moments of love and vulnerability to those we love and cherish. The men who love strongly, love truly and love fearlessly are not imaginary, but in this culture, unfortunately, they are very rare.
All of it is rubbish. The men I know are every bit as emotionally fragile as any other human. Some are just much more adept and skilled at hiding that fragility. Others actually come to believe the legends they create for themselves. Self-sewn myths about their own prodigious skills, propensities, and physical attractiveness. I have known men like that, guys who are are quite successful with the belief that they are self-made men. It is a life orientation that can work, at least to a point. I have personally witnessed how, at the end of their careers, and toward the end of their lives, men like this come to the sober understanding that the things they ignored -- their children, their health, their families, their friends -- were the only things that really mattered. I have seen men who, at the height of their success and power, are lonely, bitter, frustrated and completely lost human beings. It is as if, all at once, the false gold they had pursued is suddenly revealed for what it is; the ephemera of success, prestige, domination, and wealth, all come to mean nothing unless they are spent entirely in the service of others. Suddenly these men begin to understand the sacrifice that others have made in order to be in relationship with them; they remember, often with shame and guilt, the harsh and selfish ways in which they have frequently behaved. They find themselves wondering how in the hell anyone could ever stay in a relationship with them.
Of course, American men will seldom ever speak with each other about such realities and truths. There is no need to, really. There is an unspoken understanding among men that we are each involved in our individual masculine journeys. We are each the hero of our own real life heroic adventure. It is a solitary journey, one which we must traverse mostly alone. In our own perceptions, we daily do battle against the injustices and inequities that we encounter in everyday life. We walk in perpetual awareness, mentally preparing ourselves for that fateful moment when we are called into physical struggle to protect the ones we love. We spin hero fantasies in our minds eye, where we take out the bad guy, and rescue the hostages, or save our loved ones from terror and harm. Any man who has ever actually faced those situations knows how terrifying they are, and how instinctive your behaviors become. Only with repeated exposure does one build the courage to stand bravely like the movie heroes we believe ourselves to be. I have seen men panic, cry and run from danger. I have seen big strong men faint dead away at the site of blood, or upon seeing a mangled body in a fatality car accident. As the strong, reliable, soldier types we imagine ourselves to be, we should be immune to the brutality that we sometimes encounter in life. We should be unmoved and unshaken when we see the gruesomeness of violence and war. We imagine ourselves willing to stand in the breach until our very last breath, in order to protect our loved ones, our community and our nation.
In this way, we are all imaginary men. We are not as brave, as capable, as we imagine ourselves to be.
At the same time, there is immeasurable depth, unrealized courage and untapped strength in each of us. When called into action, most of us will respond admirably and bravely. It is in those moments that the reality of ourselves as men can be known. Likewise, we can find those true men of strength in moments of love and vulnerability to those we love and cherish. The men who love strongly, love truly and love fearlessly are not imaginary, but in this culture, unfortunately, they are very rare.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)