Demons of Doubt

I would like to speak
candidly if I may
about those destructive
demons of doubt
that have dogged me
throughout my life.

Critical inner voices
they are sometimes called.
The saboteurs.
Nattering nabobs of negativity
screaming inside a cacophonous
and chattering monkey brain.

By the look on your face
I understand I am not alone
in harboring such voices.
Many of us suffer the same plight,
unheard but listened to lectures
about what we do wrong or right.

Is it a mistake to call them demons?
Perhaps too religious for those
who choose not believe in spiritual beings.
Yet, they seem more than simple memories,
more than curated mental recordings
of past chastisements and pain.

They seem somehow evil, consciously
intent upon tearing me down.
Intervening. Interfering. Frantically
obsessed with preventing me from
attaining the peace of mind that comes
by simply loving myself as a
blessed child of god.

Psychologists and psychiatrists
call it depression, a term that
stigmatizes the patient
and empowers the doctor.
Their answer is simple,
all you need
is to take a pill
and chill.

Psyche is the Greek word for soul.
Psychology then is the study of the soul.
Why is it they forget that?
When did they become focused
exclusively on pharmacology,
and faltering chemistry of the brain?

Saboteur voices are real.
For me, to perceive them as personal,
plaguing, and baleful demons of doubt
rings more truly to the experience.

I have learned to call
my saboteur voices by name.
And in so naming them,    
I dis-empower them.

I call them for what they are,
inner assholes that I no longer
chose to allow inside my brain space.

Thus they are banished from me
for a moment, or for days at a time.
Vanquished, they shriek in their leaving,
and go in search of an accommodating
herd of swine.

Daring the Darkness

Darkness descends upon the world.
It falls like a knife on the horizon,
beginning at the contours of my mind,
growing 'til it engulfs both hemispheres.

I am standing in the darkness.
I feel the claws of unpleasant
memories and toxic emotion
tearing at my psychic skin.

Fear and panic are there, too,
pulling at my mind, trying
to rip it out of my head.
My heart beats in the gloom.

Step by step, I will myself
to continue moving forward.
I pull a sword of prayer from
the hard scabs in my soul.

The sword flashes in the dark
as I swing it left and right,
driving back demons who
go scuttling away in chains.

I am strength now,
a knight who walks in night.
I am fearless now,
finding hope in god's dim light.

It is a fight that everyone faces.
None are spared their season,
none are immune from that time
when they must dare the darkness.

© Francisco G. Rodriquez, 2012